Interesting Mail Forwards

TWO WOMEN TALKING:
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Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the  mirror.
I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I
think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I
think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could
easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think.
I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would
accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to
take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your
shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms,
see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to
fit me so much easier. ...............................................


NOW TWO MEN TALKING
===================

Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.

A little girl raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked
if her grandmother could have a baby. The teacher was a bit
surprised at the question but answered that the grandmother
was too old to have babies.

"So what about my mother?" asked the girl. The teacher said
that it was possible, but that her mother was probably getting
too old to be having babies as well.

"Well, then could I have a baby?" she wanted to know.

"Goodness no!" said the teacher, "you are much too young."

"See!" said a voice from the back of the classroom, "I told
YOU you didn't have anything to worry about."

At 4 Years : My daddy is great.

At 6 Years : My daddy knows everybody.

At 10 Years: My daddy is good but is short tempered and knows little
less than my friend's  Daddy.

At 12 Years : My daddy was very nice to me when I was young

At 14 Years : My daddy is getting fastidious.

At 16 Years : My daddy is not in line with the current times. Frankly
he does not know  anything.

At 18 Years : My daddy is becoming increasingly cranky.

At 20 Years : Oh! Its becoming difficult to tolerate daddy. Wonder how
Mother puts up with him.

At 25 Years :  Daddy is objecting to everything. Don't know when he
will understand the world.

At 30 Years :  It's becoming difficult to manage my son. I was so
scared of my father when I was young.

At 40 Years : Daddy brought me up with so much discipline. I wonder
how he managed to handle the younger generation.

At 45 Years : I am baffled as to how my daddy brought us up.

At 50 Years : My daddy faced so many hardships to bring us up. (We
were four brothers and sisters). I am unable to manage a single son.

At 55 Years  : My daddy was so far sighted and planned so many things
for us. Even at this old age, he is able to control things. He is one
of his kind  and unique.

At 60 Years : My daddy was great.

Thus, it took 56 years to complete the cycle and come back to the 1st
stage!  

So.................................REALISE IT IN TIME !

After every flight, Qantas' pilots fill out a form,
called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems
with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems,
document their repairs on the form, & then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never
let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints
submitted by Qantas' pilots & the solutions recorded
by maintenance engineers.  By the way, Qantas is the
only major airline that has never had an  accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)  (S= The solution
and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitudehold mode produces a 200 feet
per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & e serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.  S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on   something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget!!!!!!!

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar,
and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each
bottle down the sink, or else.

After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed
and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured
the contents down the sink with the exception of one
glass, which I drank.

Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle
and did likewise with it, with the exception of one
glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and
poured the whiskey down the sink, which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the
sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I
drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next
and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest
down the glass

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured
the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink
with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house
with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles,
and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine,
and as the houses came by I counted them again,
and finally I had all the houses in one bottle,
which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle
peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink.
I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the
drunker
I stand here, the longer I get.

    Many years ago, a four-year-old girl named Sandra Louise Doty described

what she thought a grandmother was like.

     She said, "A grandmother is a lady who has no children of her own, so she

likes other people's little girls.  A grandfather is a man grandmother.  He

goes for walks with the boys, and they talk about fishing and tractors and

things like that.  Grandmas don't have to do anything except be there. 

They're old, so they shouldn't play hard or run.  It is enough if they

drive us to the market where the pretend horse is and have lots of dimes

ready.  Or if they take us for walks, they should slow down past things

like pretty leaves or caterpillars.  They should never, every say, "Hurry

up."

     "Usually, they are fat, but not too fat to tie kids shoes.  They wear

glasses and funny underwear.  They can take off their teeth and gums.  They

don't have to be smart, only answer questions like why dogs hate cats and

how come God isn't married.  They don't talk baby talk like visitors do,

because it is hard to understand.  When they read to us, they don't skip or

mind if it is the same story again.

     Then she finished, "Everybody should try to have a grandmother,

especially if you don't have television, because grandmas are the only

grown-ups who have got time."

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition
organized in Britain and this joke was sent by an Indian......

A MBA and a CA go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fell asleep.

Some hours later, the CA wakes his MBA friend. " look up at the sky and
tell me what you see."

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

The MBA ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small
and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"

The CA is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an
eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & delivered a child. What is
your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.

The doctor thought for a moment, then said, "Well, let me tell you a
story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for
hunting. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally
grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So he's
walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in
some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at
the lion and squeezes the handle.

BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else must
have shot that lion."

"Exactly"... Said the Doc.

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time.
This little test should get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
which is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty
the bathtub."

Okay, here's your test:
(Those with an abnormal tendency will scroll to the bottom to get
the answer before taking the test.)

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

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"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose
the bucket as it is larger than the spoon."

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"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

So how did *you* do?

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the
son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history."
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand
up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." said
Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than
you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she
demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you."

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"

Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

In Women's Dictionary, the meanings are soooooooo ...... ODD to bear
with !

Have a glance now !

* Yes = No.

* No = Yes.

* Maybe = No.

* I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.

* We need = I want.

* It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now.

* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

* We need to talk = I need to complain.

* Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.

* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.

* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

* I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper.

* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to
hate.

* I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on TV.

* You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

* Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

Here's an example of absolute brilliance....

Shortest Essay: An English university creative writing class was asked
to write a concise essay containing the following elements:

1) Religion 2) Royalty 3) Sex 4) Mystery

The prizewinner wrote:

"My God," said the queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

"Something About Wives"

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we
met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
-----------------------------------------------------------

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's
wrong.
-Milton Berle
------------------------------------------------------------

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was
water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied," In the lake."
-Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------------------------------

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
-----------------------------------------------------------------

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You
know, I
was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and

didn't notice."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than
to let him keep her.
---------------------------------------------------------------

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't
like to
interrupt her.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I
got myself two girlfriends.
---------------------------------------------------------

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided
not to
report it since the thief was spending much less than
his wife did.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
finished.
----------------------------------------------------------

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost
to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying."
----------------------------------------------------------

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of
Africa, a
Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
---------------------------------------------------------

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real

happiness was until I got married; then it was too
late.
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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a
millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the
friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over
experience.
----------------------------------------------------------

It's not true that married men live longer than single
men.
It only seems longer.
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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was
almost
impossible.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through
life Thinking they had no faults at all.
----------------
-----------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife
can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such
a man.
----------------------------------------------------------

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask
for
whatever he wants,
but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says," Okay, give me a
million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
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Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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A Husband and Wife, Both were very happy over the twelve pound baby
boy that was born to them.

Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a
famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a
twelve pound nugget of gold. The editor upon hearing the seemingly
extraordinary news was rather hesitant to accept it at its face value.
So he sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown.
When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at
home.

The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter
and Mrs. Brown:
Reporter : Does Mr. Brown Live here?
Mrs. Brown : Oh! Yes.
Reporter : Is he in?
Mrs. Brown : Why no, he went somewhere.
Reporter : Is it true that he owns a twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown : (Seeing the joke) Yes, indeed.
Reporter : Can I see the place where he found it?
Mrs. Brown : I am afraid, not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as
it
is strictly private.
Reporter : Is the place far?
Mrs. Brown : No, it is quite near and convenient.
Reporter : How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?
Mrs. Brown : Just for about ten months.
Reporter : Is the hole deep?
Mrs. Brown : Quite so...
Reporter : Has Mr. Brown reached the bottom of it?
Mrs. Brown : Not yet, but he is coming near...
Reporter : At about what time does Mr. Brown starts digging?
Mrs. Brown : Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.
Reporter : Does he work hard on it?
Mrs. Brown : You bet...........and how he perspires.
Reporter : Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?
Mrs. Brown : He thought he was...
Reporter : How do you know there was someone ahead of him?
Mrs. Brown : I am in a good position to say so, because I owe the
place.
Reporter : Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr. Brown?
Mrs. Brown : No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the
site,
with my consent.
Reporter : Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, I work under him...
Reporter : When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?
Mrs. Brown : I think not because he enjoys working on it.
Reporter : Can I see the twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, certainly (and she showed him the twelve pound baby
boy).
P.S.: The reporter has to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

Manager, what is the secret of your success?"

"Two words"

"And, Manager, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"And how do you make right decisions?"

"One word."

"And, what is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Manager, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions."

What is the next number in the series 21, 12, 12, 1, 2,  ...

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Only Ganguly knows it. Because these were his scores in the Test series